Myths about Internal Family Systems Therapy for Anxiety | Anxiety Therapy San Francisco
There are a lot of myths about what happens in therapy for anxiety treatment that can prevent us from pursuing help, but we can’t let them hold us back from our healing journey.
There’s a wide range of therapeutic approaches to treating anxiety, and I specialize in the effective model of Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS). IFS is a unique approach that views anxiety—along with many of the other issues that bring folks to therapy—in ways you may not expect.
Below I’m going to bust some myths about what to expect in your therapy sessions through the lens of IFS.
Myth: We’re going to beat my anxiety into submission.
It’s tempting to want to face your anxiety as an aggressive opponent—after all, it’s not doing your life any favors, am I right?
But we’re going to take a compassionate approach. Bossing your anxiety around creates a contentious and polarizing relationship with it, which results in intensifying your anxiety even more.
If you knew that a vulnerable child or animal was scared and anxious, would you bully it? Hopefully not! Hopefully, you would feel compelled to soothe, listen, and offer reassurance.
And that’s exactly what your anxiety needs, too.
IFS involves dropping the internal fight with your anxiety. Our anxiety deserves our love rather than our contempt. It deserves relief from the burdens it carries.
Therapy is about allowing yourself to feel and process what you’re anxious about before trying to change it. This can seem counterintuitive, because people tend to go to therapy to get rid of negative feelings. But the harder you try to banish your pain or uncomfortable emotions, the more they will control your life.
Myth: I have to tell my therapist the biggest, darkest secrets that I’m anxious about.
It’s common to feel ashamed or embarrassed about what we’re going through and concerned about being judged by your therapist.
There’s a widespread assumption that going to therapy involves spilling all the details of your trauma that may be informing your anxiety. But as your IFS therapist guides you to get to know your internal world, you don’t have to disclose or reveal everything you see or every detail of a disturbing memory that may come up.
Remember—therapists have heard it all. We’re not easily shocked. And most of us therapists understand that there are good reasons behind our coping behaviors. We have immense compassion for the complexity and pain of your experience. Most importantly, your therapist should respect your privacy and move with you at your own pace.
If you’ve ever felt judged by your therapist, it may be time to get a new therapist.
While disclosure may be helpful for therapy to be effective, it’s not imperative for the healing you’re seeking. You don’t have to tell your therapist everything. The information can remain between you and the part of you you’re working with. In IFS, the healing comes when you witness what happened to you, not necessarily a therapist or anyone else.
For resolution of the past, it’s not necessary to have a detailed description of your past wounds. It’s only helpful to have a felt sense of what your younger part went through, without overwhelming your nervous system.
Understanding the felt sense of a part’s history helps us acknowledge the reality of what happened without having to re-experience the trauma. We cultivate compassion for ourselves, and then transform the memories. Self-compassion is the big agent of change, not recalling all the nitty-gritty details of our painful experiences.
Myth: You’ll always feel pain in therapy for anxiety.
You will experience both enjoyable and challenging emotions in therapy.
Since therapy often involves discussing painful aspects of your life, you may experience feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, or frustration. But it can also bring you a sense of triumph and joy as you learn to navigate your inner landscape.
The process of focusing on these experiences with therapeutic support can create positive changes in your life and relationships.
As you’re processing your emotions in therapy—often for the first time—you are not alone. You have a companion who can be with you as you navigate painful feelings. This signals to your brain, “Oh—I don’t have to hold this pain alone. I can talk about my struggles without being judged, dismissed, or rushed into a solution. I am safe.”
Although we’re working with emotionally heavy topics in our sessions, clients often report feeling more relaxed or accepting of the issue we’re focusing on.
In IFS therapy for anxiety treatment, you’ll make contact with parts of yourself that are frozen in the past. Retrieving these parts can be painful, but well worth the effort.
Folks often feel a sense of acceptance for themselves and others, and they’re able to access feelings like joy, compassion, and the tenderness of unfelt sadness. It’s a paradigm shift in how they view whatever life throws at them.
Myth: We should always strive to be our best self and never get reactive.
Internal Family Systems, along with many ancient spiritual traditions, talk about accessing one’s “higher self”, “wise self”, or, in IFS language, our core Self with a capital S.
“Self” is defined as the innate qualities within all human beings that are undamaged, no matter how much trauma they have endured. These qualities include compassion, clarity, calmness, curiosity, courage, connection, creativity, and confidence.
Accessing these qualities helps humans heal from painful experiences and welcomes back exiled parts within their psyche to heal. The Self can reassure the fears that our anxious part carries. Our “wise Self” can be with our anxiety, like a compassionate friend or soothing parent.
But it can feel like a lot of pressure, striving to always act from our true Self.
The truth is, we can’t realistically always be in “Self”. And that’s not bad—it’s part of our humanity to feel a range of experiences like anxiety, anger, or reactiveness. Sometimes we just need to listen to what these parts of us have to say. These parts hold valuable information, and they can help us when we need to hold a boundary with someone who’s mistreating us.
The main goal is to cultivate mindful awareness of the state we are in, so we can observe our parts rather than be consumed by them.
The more we get to know our parts, the more we can call on them when we need them. We have a choice of how much we want to blend with them or not. When we listen to our parts, such as our inner critic, we can decide how we want to relate to them. We don’t want to ignore our parts, numb them out, or spiritually bypass them.
The goal is to acknowledge them and get to know them better, so you can transform their roles in your life to help you rather than harm you.
Myth: I have to know what I’m going to talk about before my IFS therapy session.
What if you don’t know what to say in your therapy sessions?
Some of my clients tell me they considered canceling a session because their thoughts weren’t fully formed or ready to be expressed. But you don’t have to perfectly formulate what you’re going to say to your therapist. Sometimes folks have a starting point with an issue that’s standing out to them, but often, you may not be sure at all where to begin.
And that’s the perfect time to go.
Your therapy sessions are come-as-you-are, and they welcome all your messy thoughts and feelings. Therapy can be a safe haven where you can be yourself, and if you aren’t sure where to start, that can give you an opportunity to explore what’s going on for you in the moment.
IFS therapy can help you clarify which parts of you are activated and which parts need your attention the most. You don’t need to come in with a story to tell—often, detailed descriptions of an event can even get in the way. It’s the underlying core of an issue that matters, and your therapist is prepared to ask the questions that guide you there.
A free therapy consultation in San Francisco
Debunking myths about therapy is important for you to know what to expect, and I hope I have demystified the ways Internal Family Systems therapy can serve you.
If IFS therapy in San Francisco sounds interesting to you, feel welcome to call me at (415) 851-5125 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. If you are looking for help with anxiety, you can read more about how I can help here. My specialties include anxiety, self-esteem, and relationship issues