How to Say No to a Mullet: Using Internal Family Systems to Stop People-Pleasing

This story might sound familiar to you. 

I sat in one of the plush chairs of an inviting, spacious salon, walls adorned with beautiful local art and the air filled with the fresh, inviting scents of hair products. I was steeped in the anticipation of an equally fresh new look, and I expressed to the hair stylist my idea of the haircut I was going for. She nodded as she combed her fingers through my hair and studied it in the mirror.

“What if we went with an edgy mullet?” she suggested, fluffing the crown of my head. 

I froze. 

My first thought was No! I didn’t want a mullet. I wanted the haircut I’d asked for, that I looked forward to walking out of the salon with.

“What about a grown out mullet?” I responded, a clumsy attempt to continue to ask for what I wanted, and again she urged me to consider her suggestion.

What happened next was a knee-jerk reaction. In that moment, the idea of stating my preference for a third time—saying no—and risking the resulting discomfort and tension felt intolerable. And with that automatic impulse, the people-pleasing part of me was activated. The idea of pressing for what I wanted, pushing against something that didn’t feel right, standing by my idea that clashed with someone else’s, felt too uncomfortable to face.

I didn’t say no.   

I sat in the chair and stared in horror as the hairs on the crown of my head got shorter and shorter, and as I walked out of the salon, I felt disappointed. Like I’d somehow betrayed myself.  

That’s what people-pleasing can sometimes feel like—a betrayal.

As if some part of ourselves has taken over, overriding what we actually want and, often, what we need. But the part of us that feels compelled to comply with others, to push our own desires aside, isn’t trying to sabotage us. People-pleasing is a coping mechanism that is trying to protect us from feeling badly. It’s a habit that belongs to the part of us who took on the burden of certain core beliefs about ourselves--beliefs that were born in response to external events in our family of origin, at school, or in societal systems of oppression. If you struggle with a pattern of people-pleasing, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you always act compliant. It simply means that a part of you gets activated in certain situations and urges you toward compliance to keep you safe. Our inner people-pleaser has the righteous intent to serve our core needs of acceptance and belonging, but when it feels like a compulsion--something we have to do--it can present massive obstacles in many areas of our life. 

I wanted to move away from that compulsion of I have to say yes in these moments toward giving myself more choices, so I engaged in some Internal Family Systems (IFS) work. Founded and developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS is a psychotherapy approach that believes we all have multiple internal parts that hold or protect psychological wounds. As Dr. Schwartz explains on the IFS institute’s website, “all parts want something positive for the individual and will use a variety of strategies to gain influence within the internal system.” When the parts that bear the burden of extreme beliefs or emotions rely on equally as extreme strategies that negatively affect our adult lives, establishing a supportive relationship with them can help them relax. When they feel safe and have their concerns addressed, they are less disruptive. To learn more about IFS, click here.

IFS can also be self-directed—you can practice it on your own.

Working with your internal parts using the IFS model is actually quite accessible and can be easily used throughout your day. However, it’s important to note that everyone’s psyche--and unique internal family system--is different. If you have a history of suicidal ideation, I suggest that you consult with a mental health professional first before attempting IFS by yourself. Also, please keep in mind that self-directed IFS is not a substitute for psychotherapy and mental health treatment. If you’re really struggling or experiencing suicidal ideation, don’t go through it alone--make sure you have the support you need to engage in this inner work.

With this in mind, here are some exercises that can introduce you to your people-pleasing part and help you understand its feelings, fears, and intentions.

First, prepare for this exercise like you might enter a meditation: Close your eyes, take a slow deep breath, and settle into your bodily awareness. 

• Scan your body and mind for where you might sense your people-pleasing part, noting any thoughts, emotions, body sensations, or impulses that stand out. This process is similar to that of mindfulness--you’re noticing what’s there but remaining a little bit separate from it. Focus on it for a minute: Is it a tightening in your chest? A knot in your gut? Is there an image or word that pops up? See if you can notice where it’s located in or around your body. 

• Notice how you feel towards the people pleaser part. Do you like it? Does it annoy you? Are you afraid of it? Do you want to get rid of it? Do you depend on it? You’re beginning to notice that you have a relationship with this thought, emotion, sensation, or impulse. 

• If you feel a sense of resistance to approaching your people-pleaser part with openness and curiosity, it may be that other internal parts in your psyche are activated. If this happens, ask those other parts to give you a little space to get to know the people-pleaser, and see if these parts respond to your request. If not, that’s okay--it’s called a practice for a reason. Sometimes it takes a few times of visiting, asking for permission, and building trust with this people-pleaser part to encourage it and your other parts to let you in.

If you can get to that mindfully curious place in your approach to the people-pleaser part, then you can interact and speak with it directly. You could also try this exercise by journaling your dialogue with it. This might feel a bit odd at first, but I encourage you to give it a try. 

• Ask the people-pleaser part if there’s something it wants you to know, and then wait for an answer. Try not to think of the answer, and ask any thinking parts to relax back. Wait silently with your focus on that place in your body where the people-pleaser energy resides until the answer comes. If nothing comes, that’s okay.

• If you did get an answer, ask the people-pleaser part what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t do this inside of you? What’s it afraid would happen if it didn’t do what it does? The answer might reveal how it’s trying to protect you.

• Extend some appreciation to the people-pleaser part for protecting you and trying to keep you safe. How does it react to your appreciation?

• Ask what this part needs from you in the future. What can you do to help your people-pleaser part begin to establish a sense of self-trust?

• Thank your people-pleaser part for whatever it allowed you to do and let them know this isn’t their last chance to have a conversation with you, because you plan to get to know them even more.

Through practicing IFS, I was able to get in touch with the part of myself that relied on people-pleasing as a coping mechanism. I visualized her, and as I asked her questions, we began to establish a friendship where she was witnessed with compassion and curiosity. And the more I paid attention to her, the more that part of myself began to shift. She began to release the burden of painful emotions and beliefs as I acknowledged her, communicated with her, and was present with her distress.

The point is not to change or fix that part.
It’s to listen. To understand. To connect.

I was pleasantly surprised that through the process of connecting with my inner people-pleaser, my thinking began to shift from doubting that my automatic people-pleasing response would ever change, toward realizing that I have more options in those moments such as sitting in a salon chair and struggling to be direct with someone who was challenging me to advocate for myself. That I could be even playfully assertive in certain circumstances—“I’m not feeling mullet-brave today,” or “Nah, I’m not feeling very 80’s about this haircut”.

This is a taste of what it’s like to work with your inner people-pleaser part that has good intentions to protect you, but is no longer serving you. When you notice your people-pleaser part get activated in your everyday life, you can witness it with compassion and curiosity and tell it that it’s safe to relax and not work so hard. Building these relationships with our inner parts leads to a greater sense of wholeness. If we connect to them with the desire to understand, reassure, and heal, we can more easily and authentically connect to others, feel more confident asking for our needs to be met, and--at a minimum--not leave the hair salon with a mullet that you didn’t want.

A free therapy consultation in San Francisco

If you’re interested in IFS therapy in San Francisco to help you navigate your relationship with yourself and others with the guidance of an IFS-informed therapist, feel welcome to call me at (415) 851-5125 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. My specialties include anxiety, self-esteem, and relationship issues.