How can Internal Family Systems Therapy Build Positive Self-Esteem? | Internal Family Systems San Francisco

Most of us, at some point, face feelings of not being enough–successful enough, confident enough, attractive enough. The belief that we are inadequate can make positive self-esteem feel out of reach.

Many of us long to feel more secure in who we are, to be able to accept our humanness, warts and all. But how do we learn to feel okay about ourselves even when there’s parts of ourselves we don’t like? How do we tap into our inherent worth and build healthy self-esteem?

Why self-esteem is important 

Self-esteem is the negative or positive perception of ourselves and our self-worth. Self-esteem is important because it impacts how we think, feel, and interact with the world around us, for better or for worse. It shapes our sense of satisfaction in our lives and affects how we function in our relationships.

Low self-esteem can show up as negative self-talk, self-doubt, and lack of confidence. That nagging sense of worthlessness is deeply emotionally painful–a real vibe killer.

You may have areas of your life you feel confident about, but still struggle with insecurity in other areas that can feel hopeless or overwhelming. As a licensed therapist in San Francisco, I often see that my clients’ lack of self-esteem doesn't make itself known until they’re in a relationship. 

You might be a successful badass at work, but you’re afraid to commit to a relationship or engage in true emotional intimacy. Relationships are where we’re most vulnerable, and it can be difficult to feel confident in practicing healthy relationship skills if they weren’t modeled for us during our upbringing. This can bring up feelings of shame and inadequacy.

What causes low self-esteem? 

Liberation from low self-esteem can start with identifying its origins. 

There are many factors that can cause low self-esteem, often stemming from childhood. You may have experienced emotional neglect, abandonment, or inadequate emotional attunement and engagement. You may have been raised by critical caregivers, had parents who modeled low-self esteem themselves, or grew up witnessing a parent tolerate more than they should in their relationships. 

Additionally, early experiences of adversity in the educational system and in social interactions can negatively influence our self-worth. Ongoing stressful life events such as divorce, problems at work, or financial troubles can impact the value we see in ourselves.

A self-worth wound can also come from early conditioning that’s more subtle and pervasive. We may have internalized the belief that we must earn love and approval, that if we don’t behave or perform a certain way, we won’t be acknowledged or loved. 

For example, your caregivers could have treated you differently depending on your performance in school. If you didn’t perform well, they were cold and distant. This is conditional love and attention, where you implicitly learned that you’re not valuable when you’re not perfect. 

In addition to these factors, cultural conditioning can have an insidious impact on how we feel about ourselves, such as the belief that our worth depends on how much money we make or whether our bodies meet certain–and often impossible–beauty standards. 

Once you identify the underlying why of your low self-esteem, you can begin to question the validity of these beliefs. You can allow yourself to grieve the needs that weren’t met as a child, to feel anger at the experiences in your life that led you to believe you weren’t enough. 

This can get you closer to understanding and accepting that there’s nothing wrong with you. That you are inherently worthy of love from yourself and others, and that the painful circumstances in your life do not reflect your value as an individual.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help build self-esteem 

I use IFS therapy to help clients develop healthy self-esteem and reconcile with parts of themselves they don’t like or struggle to accept.

The foundation of IFS therapy is the concept that individuals have different parts within themselves, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and motivations. These parts can be thought of as inner characters or subpersonalities, and they are there to serve different roles and functions in a person's life. Some parts may be protective, rebellious, or anxious, while others may carry painful memories or emotions. 

If you struggle with low-self esteem, you most likely have an inner part that is deeply critical, that judges your every move and berates you for every mistake. Even though our inner critics feel like bullies, believe it or not, they are actually working hard to protect us. 

With IFS, I guide clients toward establishing a relationship with their self-critical part, communicating and listening to it to understand its needs, fears, and motivations. A helpful question to ask a part that’s deeply critical is, “If this part didn’t criticize, what is it concerned would happen?”

Clients learn to cultivate compassion for their critical part and for what happened in their lives for it to feel the need to take on this extreme role. 

Through the therapeutic process, clients become better equipped to respond to life's challenges with a balanced and self-loving perspective. This can lead to increased emotional regulation, resilience, and personal growth.

Essentially, IFS therapy will help you learn to talk to yourself differently. You’ll become more aware of how you treat yourself, and develop the power of your inner voice. 

You’ll learn to be kinder to yourself, to encourage and nurture your inner parts by saying things like, you did good there. I love you. I’m here with you. This may feel awkward at first, but it’s incredibly powerful in transforming how we feel about ourselves and being on our own side, rather than feeling trapped in inner conflict.

Do I need to work on my own self-worth before being in a relationship?

This is an age-old question, and there are many different opinions on the saying that “you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.” I’m under the school of thought that you don’t need to be absolutely healed to be ready for a relationship. 

Now, sometimes taking a break from relationships to self-reflect can be a good idea. There is something to be said for having a foundation of self-worth and a strong connection to yourself before engaging in an intimate relationship. 

If you’re able to acknowledge your needs and nurture and validate your feelings, it will be easier to refrain from always needing to outsource your needs to someone else. 

It will help you remain present with your partner, and be able to discern whether they are a good fit for you. Loving yourself well can lead to finding someone who’s a good match for you and is attuned to your relationship needs. 

With that said, a sturdy sense of self-esteem isn’t necessarily a prerequisite if you want a romantic partner. You don’t need to remain single until you’re “completely healed”. 

In fact, a relationship can be a place to apply what you’re learning about valuing yourself. It can be a laboratory where you can practice being vulnerable and develop your communication skills, especially when both of you are committed to evolving and self-reflection.

We do not need to be perfect to love and be loved. Since many of our wounds happen in relationships, being in a relationship can help you heal. Loving another can teach us a lot about loving ourselves, and when each partner is willing to grow and evolve in the intimate space between them, profound healing is possible. 

What does healing from low self-esteem look like?

For some, healing means learning how to treat themselves with compassion and respect. For others, it’s about learning to assert themselves in relationships, or being able to identify and communicate their boundaries. Developing self-acceptance and strengthening our relationships is a lifelong process, and it often gets easier with age.

In therapy, we develop consistent ways to build self-esteem and self-acceptance, and to become more resilient against uncertainty, rejection, and disappointment. 

When we stop defining ourselves by the early programming that’s been wired into our brain, we can consciously establish a relationship with ourselves based on our values.

When should I seek help for low self-esteem? 

You should seek professional help for low self-esteem when what you’ve been trying isn’t working. If your lack of self-worth impacts multiple life domains such as work, school, and relationships, it may be time to connect with a therapist who can help liberate you from negative self-talk, self-doubt, and even self-loathing.

If you suspect your early childhood conditioning is negatively affecting your adult life, then therapy can be helpful in identifying where you get stuck and creating practices to strengthen your sense of self and establish healthy patterns in your relationships.

A free therapy consultation in San Francisco

If IFS therapy in San Francisco sounds like it would be helpful for you, feel welcome to call me at (415) 851-5125 for a free 15-minute phone consultation. If you are looking for help with anxiety, you can read more about how I can help here. My specialties include anxiety, self-esteem, and relationship issues.